Parental Pressures within Christendom

In my last blog I talked about separation from the world for every believer in Christ.  Now I'd like to talk about the pressures we may and will experience within the Christian community.  Specifically I am talking about well-meaning people who sweetly and sincerely tell you how you should run your life.  In short, they will subtly pressure you to do things that really are not on your heart to do, or encourage you to try and be someone you are not.  They think that they know what is best for you and end up running your life if you let them.  When we receive all sorts of outside pressure from family or other well-meaning people that we love and trust, and we feel we can't measure up to their high expectations, we start to feel crushed, and in many cases will experience burn-out, anxiety, depression, and in some cases feel suicidal.   

Sometime people under extreme pressure do inconceivable things.  This week a terrible, unthinkable tragedy happened.  A young mother killed her two year old girl and two month old baby boy by drowning them in the bathtub.  She apparently called 911, and then she ran away and has still not been found to date.  Authorities are suspecting she had a severe case of Postpartum Depression, to a dangerous level of psychosis where she literally lost all sense of reality.  Many related articles have been appearing in the newspaper regarding this terrible disease that afflicts some young mothers who are not sleeping because they are constantly tending to and overly worrying about their baby, and without rest (among other things) cannot handle the pressures of being a mother, new or not.  As I have been following this terrible tragedy and see it unfold, the issue of parenting has kept coming to mind, not just for people who have children, but for people who do not. 

I do not believe that every single person or couple is meant to have children, but I strongly suspect that there are a majority of people that do believe there is something wrong with you if you don’t have children.  In Christendom it seems to be expected that if you are married you will have children and this goes without saying and the right thing to do.  But obviously, not everyone has children - some can't have them even though they'd love to, some don't have them because of their life's calling, and some know inside (although they'd be too afraid to admit it) that they were never meant to be a parent and probably shouldn't be.  So for couples who are childless, there seems to be a stigma attached that they haven't done their part or measured up, or in some cases, were too selfish to consider taking care of anyone other than themselves.   

This is not to say that the still-missing woman who drowned her children shouldn't have had children, but it is to say that perhaps the pressure she felt to be a model parent was so great she felt she had no place to turn and so escaped in a state of complete madness and brought a horrible end to the suffering, but went unspeakably too far.  One article said that women who suffer with PPD often will not seek out help because of the stigma attached to reaching a high standard of being a model or super parent, and that if they don’t measure up, they are seen as a failure.  

As Christians, we must be careful how we judge others, and how we project our own ideals and purposes on another human being, whether they are Christian or not.  When couples say they are not planning on having children, we should leave it at that.  There must be a good reason for it, and it is really no more of our business.  If we see that they don't have children, it is still none of our business if they don't offer us an explanation.  If we judge a childless couple and think that they are wrong for not having children (or adopting them) and convey our judgements and opinions on them, we have no idea the damage we could be doing.  How do we know that they haven't wanted children or maybe cannot have them?  Maybe they have agonized over the issue.  This is also an issue for single people who are not married and would love to find the right one and then start a family.  Rather than judge, we need to be very careful to be led by the Holy Spirit and speak only those words that He would want us to say.  Maybe we should say nothing at all because, again, it is really none of our business. 

As for pressure for parents that do have children and are struggling, what are we doing to come alongside and help them?  This is what the Body of Christ is for - to come alongside and help parents wherever possible and wherever there is a need that we can fill.  We may not always know what the needs are, and this is where we need to develop rapport somehow.  And rather than pre-judge that someone is not a good parent, we need to ask if we can help or at least pray for them and be available for them.  Truly, every child belongs to God, and we are all responsible for the welfare and well-being of children whether we have birthed them or not.  So to put pressure on caregivers or parents to perform or live up to certain expectations does absolutely nothing to help in raising children, but only adds to the stress and pressure that is already probably there.  This is also true in the teaching profession where people (many times the parents themselves) will blame the teacher if a child is failing.  Yet both parents and teachers must work together to see that a child succeeds. 

In the book of Galatians, there were people trying to persuade the Galatians to live according to the law, and not according to grace, faith or love.  Any time we put pressure on someone to live up to OUR expectations, we are doing the same thing.  Look at the following: 

Gal 5:4    Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.

Gal 5:5    For we through the Spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith.

Gal 5:6    For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.

Gal 5:7    Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth?

Gal 5:8    This persuasion cometh not of him that calleth you.

Gal 5:9    A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump.

Gal 5:10    I have confidence in you through the Lord, that ye will be none otherwise minded: but he that troubleth you shall bear his judgment, whosoever he be.

Gal 5:11    And I, brethren, if I yet preach circumcision, why do I yet suffer persecution? then is the offence of the cross ceased.

Gal 5:12    I would they were even cut off which trouble you.

Gal 5:13    For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.

Gal 5:14    For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 

True Christianity finds expression in serving one another, not heaping expectations on them. May we look for every opportunity to be a part of the solution to someone's difficult situation, and not add to the burdens that are already weighing them down.